A Husband’s Nightmare
A Wife’s Nightmare
Five Basic Ingredients of a Satisfying Love Connection

Bill M. from San Francisco, CA wrote in:

Dear Spirit, I had a nightmare the other night. I was trying to protect my wife from an intruder outside our home. I locked the doors. And then, I was standing by her side in our living room. I noticed it was hard for me to feel much. At the end of the dream, I realized that the intruder was a part of me that felt locked out and was full of emotion. Does the dream mean I am in the wrong marriage?

Spirit: Why are you trying to protect your wife from this part of yourself?

Bill: The intruder wants to leave my marriage.

Spirit: Why is that?

Bill: Since I was laid off my job, my wife has withheld sex, and treated me with disrespect.

Spirit: Why do you think that is?

Bill: I can tell you it’s because of money.

Spirit: Have you asked her why?

Bill: She says it’s because I’m not myself.

Spirit: Is there some truth to that?

Bill: Naturally, I’ve been depressed. And I can’t help but let her know that.

Spirit: How long has it been since you worked?

Bill: About 10 months.

Spirit: Underneath your depression, you are really very angry; and you are projecting your feelings of humiliation onto your wife.

Bill: What do you mean?

Spirit: You are blaming her for your loss of self respect. So, it is hard for you to tell your wife still loves you and believes in your talent. She is also angry at you for losing your self confidence. Of course, withholding sex is not the best way to express it. Yet, it is not essentially about your paycheck. You are the one who keeps putting yourself down over that.

Bill: It’s not just my paycheck. I had a high level position.

Spirit: That is your ego talking. Your true self understands you are here to be on a more advanced track.

Bill: Can you elaborate?

Spirit: Who you are transcends your old income and position. That’s what the “intruder” in you is really demanding you pay attention to. Do you know who you’re here to be?

Bill: An artist?

Spirit: That’s the kind of lifestyle he has in mind.

Bill: My wife will never accept it.

Spirit: How do you know that?

Bill: She wants me to find a job with a big enough salary to hold onto our lifestyle. And, so far – I haven’t found one.

Spirit: What if that’s not your next step?

Bill: She’ll probably leave me.

Spirit: In a sense, that’s why you want to leave first. Why second guess her, rather than discuss your realization – and give her the option to join you on your new adventure?

Bill: What if I fail?

Spirit: How can you fail at what you’re here to do?

Andrea A. from Los Angeles, CA wrote in:

Dear Spirit, I had the most disturbing dream last night: My husband and I were on an island that was sinking into the ocean. We had very little time left My husband was trying to escape and refused to take me with him. I woke up sobbing. Does he intend to leave me in real life?

Spirit: What is happening in your marriage that is catastrophic?

Andrea: We are going under financially.

Spirit: How did that happen?

Andrea: The economy; and my husband made some bad investments.

Spirit: Why does he blame you?

Andrea: That’s what I would like to know.

Spirit: He is partly projecting his self blame onto you; and yet, there is a deeper reason

Andrea: What is that?

Spirit: You have cherished your lifestyle over him.

Andrea: I thought we cherished it together.

Spirit: Of course, he enjoyed it as well. Yet, he feels you are mainly responsible for the excessive amount of – is it credit card debt you share?

Andrea: I guess I am guilty when it comes to that; I just never dreamed the economy would crash. Is that why he barely speaks to me and comes home so late at night?

Spirit: That’s part of it. How late at night does he come home?

Andrea: Often after 2 a.m. Is he having an affair?

Spirit: Yes.

Andrea: What should I do about it?

Spirit: Have you tried confronting him?

Andrea: He just denies it.

Spirit: Does he offer an excuse?

Andrea: He says he falls asleep at work.

Spirit: He is waiting for you to leave him.

Andrea: So he can hold onto the house?

Spirit: To some degree.

Andrea: What else?

Spirit: You have been together for so many years. There’s still a part of him that doesn’t want to hurt you.

Andrea: Is our marriage really over?

Spirit: Why leave the answer up to him? What is your opinion?

Andrea: We haven’t really been intimate in years.

Spirit: How do you feel about that?

Andrea: Aside from the children, we don’t have that much in common. And they’re all out of the house. I’ve thought of leaving so many times.

Spirit: Why did you stay?

Andrea: Part of it was economic; and I didn’t want to fail at marriage. Then, there’s the fear of being alone.

Spirit: Now is the time to learn to enjoy your own company – as well as expand your circle of friends. What else would you like to do?

Andrea: I have thought of going back to school.

Spirit: That is a promising plan. It’s still not too late to become your own success.

1. Mutual Respect
2. Compatibility
3. Soul Connection
4. Sexual Attraction
5. Intimacy

For men, respect tends to be the prerequisite for happiness; and, for women – intimacy. When those are lost, the relationship will become a battleground or an empty playing field. Aside from those two, when one of the five is missing, it is still possible to enjoy life together; When two or more aren’t there, it is likely that one or both partners will feel unmet.   How would you rate your relationship in each of these categories?
Share your answers below.

]]> http://www.atalkwithspirit.com/blog/2009/11/relationship-week-basic-ingredients-for-a-satisfying-love-relationship/feed/ 0 http://www.atalkwithspirit.com/blog/2009/09/relationship-week-damsel/ http://www.atalkwithspirit.com/blog/2009/09/relationship-week-damsel/#comments Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:00:02 +0000 webmaster http://atalkwithspirit.com/blog/?p=62 Nancy from Los Angeles, CA wrote in:

Dear Spirit, I am writing to ask you why I am still so sad about the end of my affair with an older man. It has been almost ten years; and, I still cry at night over him. Do I have a past life with him?

-Nancy L.

Spirit: The man in question was not a past life connection, though your souls did meet in a love dance. Of course, the connection was rather brief because you fell into your pattern of begging him to save you. Of course, you did not beg him verbally; yet, your energy spoke volumes. You are still sad for several reasons: For one, you have not found a suitable replacement; for another, he emobodies the characteristics you would like to integrate in yourself. In that sense, he mirrors your Inner Male. And, like most women, you tend to magnetize men who repeat the negative side of your father pattern. Your father was inwardly critical of your feelings of helplessness. So you have attracted men who do the same.

There are still many women who succumb to playing the role of the ‘Damsel in Distress’ in order to attract the ‘Savior’ in the man they are with. So, please don’t blame yourself for falling into that trap.

Nancy: How can I stop myself from doing it again?

Spirit: Start by recognizing that you grew up in a culture where you were taught to believe that strong women would be rejected by men. These days, since women have become liberated and most households require a dual income, the ‘Damsel in Distress’ no longer appeals as a love object to most men. And, most women are glad to be relieved of the experience of helplessness that lies at the root of it. So, work on letting go of your antiquated belief system.

Questions to ask yourself:

Women: Do you still feel like a ‘damsel in distress’ at least some of the time? If so, what would it take to help the ‘damsel’ in you feel safe? Share your answers below.

Men: Do you know any women who embody the ‘Damsel in Distress’? If so, how do you feel about saving them? Share your answers below.

A Closet Bigamist

Tania from Atlanta, GA wrote in:

Dear Spirit, I am writing you in a moment of despair. I went through with a blessing ceremony in France, even though my — should I call him ‘husband’? — told me the night before he was still married to a woman he promised me he had divorced.  He spends several months a year in Canada with her, and the rest of his time with me.   He insists he stays in Canada because of his children, and promises to get a divorce – but never follows through.  Does he intend to?  Why hasn’t he kept his word?

-Tania R.

Spirit: Your husband is a bigamist. He lives abroad in order to be with his wife, as well as his children. His case is rather extreme in the sense that he does not know how to leave either of you. He has two very distinct sides to his personality. He portrays the side of him that is still childlike and despondent with her; and with you, he plays the role of detached, elegant gentleman. He feels more at home with her, even though they have an unhealthy attachment. With you, he feels free to be more grown up.

Did his mother ever abandon him that you know of?

Tania: Yes. She attempted suicide when he was seventeen. He is the one who found her and saved her life.

Spirit: That incident is a large part of the reason that your husband became split between his rage at women and his need for their love. He also decided he would never allow himself to feel so much pain again. At this time, you live with his angry, detached adult self; and, his other wife lives with his emotional, childlike side who seeks approval. She knows about you and accepts the situation, while you continue to insist he divorce her and legally marry you. At this time, he does not really intend to do so.

Tania: Why am I afraid to walk away?

Spirit: The obvious reason is you are afraid you will never meet another man you can love who also loves you

Tania: That’s true.

Spirit: Do you know why that is?

Tania: I have a series of failed relationships in my past. And, I am getting older.

Spirit: That is because you are repeating your mother’s pattern with your father. Though your Father did not split his life between two wives, he had a mistress with whom he was more intimate emotionally.

Tania: How can I transcend this pattern?

Spirit: The problem is rooted in your subconscious. In a nutshell, the Inner Girl in you is afraid to let ‘Daddy’  ( or his stand in) go – even though he is emotionally unavailable.. It would be best to get some professional help to do the release work on this.  ‘Then, I suspect, it will be easy for you to walk away from the ‘no win’ situation you are in, and find a man who is really there for you.

Dear Spirit, are men trying to punish women because of the advancements women are making by treating them less respectfully in the matters of sex and marriage?

-Toni D

Spirit: Hello, Toni. Can you say a little more about your personal experience?

Toni: I keep meeting the same man, who – like my father, is a workaholic and a cheater.

Spirit: Do you have a current example?

Toni: Yes. The man I am seeing now is like my dad to the tenth power. He is taller, more handsome, and earns more at the same profession.

Spirit: How has he disrespected you?

Toni: He kept telling me he wanted to get me knocked up – and when I did become pregnant, he refused to step up to the plate. Is he just using me for sex?

Spirit: You are a victim of his ‘Madonna/Whore complex’

The Madonna/Whore complex

Toni: Can you clarify what that means?

Spirit: Since “Genesis”, men have divided women into madonnas or virgins and whores. These days – even with their support of women’s rights, men still carry the imprint of their patriarchal heritage. That means women – like yourself, who are sexually liberated, are apt to get treated like sex objects. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that many women contribute to the problem by playing the role

In your case – the Madonna in you is seeking your guy’s approval by trying to fulfill his fantasy ideal, while the ‘whore’ in you is using sex to hook him into a life commitment based on your desire for economic security. And he is refusing to bite.

Toni: What can I do to shift the situation?

Spirit: Stop trying to please him or hook him and see what happens when you are being yourself. And treat sex as sacred rather than casual.

Toni: Do you think he will ever be husband material?

Spirit: He could be – if you will stop doing what women have done to men since the time of “Exodus”.

Toni: What is that?

Spirit: Divide men into their version of good and evil: the Nice Guy and the Bad Boy (aka, the Hero and the Cad)

The Nice Guy/Bad Boy Syndrome

Toni: Isn’t there some justification to that?

Spirit: It is better to focus on understanding the psychology that drives the split. The Nice Guy (Hero) in men puts the Madonna in their life on a pedestal; and, when she starts to look down on him, the Bad Boy in him will knock her off of it.

Toni: Was I ever on his pedestal?

Spirit: Briefly. After that, you began making him bad for refusing to marry you.

Toni: How do we stop this cycle?

Spirit: By letting go of your ego agendas, and allowing love to be your guiding light.

Toni: That sounds like a return to Eden.

Spirit: Indeed. Only this time with a more favorable conclusion.

Questions to ask yourself:

Women:

1. Have you ever tried to become a man’s fantasy ideal? If so – what happened to the real you?
2. Have you ever used sex to pressure your guy into a commitment? If so – how did it impact the relationship?

Share your answers by commenting below

Men:

1. Have you ever played the role of Mr. Nice Guy or Hero to the woman in your life?
2. Have you ever treated her like a Cad?  If so, what triggered you?

Share your answers by commenting below