Relationship Week: Returning to Eden
Toni from San Francisco wrote in:
Dear Spirit, are men trying to punish women because of the advancements women are making by treating them less respectfully in the matters of sex and marriage?
-Toni D
Spirit: Hello, Toni. Can you say a little more about your personal experience?
Toni: I keep meeting the same man, who – like my father, is a workaholic and a cheater.
Spirit: Do you have a current example?
Toni: Yes. The man I am seeing now is like my dad to the tenth power. He is taller, more handsome, and earns more at the same profession.
Spirit: How has he disrespected you?
Toni: He kept telling me he wanted to get me knocked up – and when I did become pregnant, he refused to step up to the plate. Is he just using me for sex?
Spirit: You are a victim of his ‘Madonna/Whore complex’
Toni: Can you clarify what that means?
Spirit: Since “Genesis”, men have divided women into madonnas or virgins and whores. These days – even with their support of women’s rights, men still carry the imprint of their patriarchal heritage. That means women – like yourself, who are sexually liberated, are apt to get treated like sex objects. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that many women contribute to the problem by playing the role
In your case – the Madonna in you is seeking your guy’s approval by trying to fulfill his fantasy ideal, while the ‘whore’ in you is using sex to hook him into a life commitment based on your desire for economic security. And he is refusing to bite.
Toni: What can I do to shift the situation?
Spirit: Stop trying to please him or hook him and see what happens when you are being yourself. And treat sex as sacred rather than casual.
Toni: Do you think he will ever be husband material?
Spirit: He could be – if you will stop doing what women have done to men since the time of “Exodus”.
Toni: What is that?
Spirit: Divide men into their version of good and evil: the Nice Guy and the Bad Boy (aka, the Hero and the Cad)
Toni: Isn’t there some justification to that?
Spirit: It is better to focus on understanding the psychology that drives the split. The Nice Guy (Hero) in men puts the Madonna in their life on a pedestal; and, when she starts to look down on him, the Bad Boy in him will knock her off of it.
Toni: Was I ever on his pedestal?
Spirit: Briefly. After that, you began making him bad for refusing to marry you.
Toni: How do we stop this cycle?
Spirit: By letting go of your ego agendas, and allowing love to be your guiding light.
Toni: That sounds like a return to Eden.
Spirit: Indeed. Only this time with a more favorable conclusion.
Questions to ask yourself:
Women:
- Have you ever tried to become a man’s fantasy ideal? If so – what happened to the real you?
- Have you ever used sex to pressure your guy into a commitment? If so – how did it impact the relationship?
Share your answers by commenting below
Men:
- Have you ever played the role of Mr. Nice Guy or Hero to the woman in your life?
- Have you ever treated her like a Cad? If so, what triggered you?
Share your answers by commenting below
This conversation brings much clarity to what’s happening in relationships. thanks!
This is wonderful Jane!
Thank you for sharing with me.
I did a lot of spiritual work on my self. and was wondering what is holding me back from finding my perfect mate?
oooh, I love the addition of the nice guy/bad boy as a parallel to the madonna/whore complex. That male part really complements the female aspect well!
To answer your questions, let’s see…
Have I ever played the role of Mr. Nice Guy or Hero? Yes. Playing Mr. Nice Guy feels very noble, but it doesn’t really get the biology going. No sexual tension. Not so good for the romantic life. The hero is better in this sense as there’s more power and vitality in this energy, but I don’t like going in trying to save or fix someone who I see as broken. It actually becomes draining, symptomatic of non-acceptance (which isn’t Love in the first place), and she doesn’t change anyways. Seems better to recognize what you see and attract a mate who is more in alignment with what I prefer.
As for part two, have I ever treated her like a Cad? (Had to look that word up, heh
Yes. It’s like a flip of being Mr. Nice Guy. It’s triggered by wanting to act tough, strong, not clingy, not too excited at first and thus makes me hard-to-get, and so on. It seems like admitting too quickly that I like someone and really going all into it can push them away, so pulling back and being more casual about it makes them chase me as well. I don’t like this energy very much either to be honest, and I’m still trying to find the balance between pursuing without clinging, being open in appreciation without being overly lovey dovey, if that makes sense.
Thanks for your blog posts! I’ve subscribed to your feed.